to my brother

Dear Brother,

About a year ago, you made some nasty comments about me on Facebook. I hadn't talked to you for months and you ignored me the last time I made the 750 mile trek to the Homeland. So I sent you a private message and offered the solution of talking over the phone about why you are so angry with me instead of you acting out in public in front of all our mutual friends and other family members.

You declined talking to me and said you didn't want anything to do with me. You claimed I was a "selfish bitch" and that I "abandoned" (your word, not mine) my children when I moved across state lines to be with my (now) fiance.

Here are the facts:
1. I moved 45 minutes away from my children.
2. I lived with their father for 2 years while we were separated because we didn't have any other choice financially. When we had the opportunity to finally go our own ways, we BOTH jumped on it. It was a carefully discussed, mutual decision.
3. My children wanted to stay in the town where their schools are rather than start over at new schools. I honored that.
4. I send their father money every month and managed to do so even when I was unemployed.
5. I see them once a week for the evening and they spend every other weekend at my house. They spend most breaks (Christmas, Spring Break, Summer Break etc) with me as well.

I'm not sure how that classifies as abandonment, but whatever. The point is, you feel very strongly that I am a horrible mother and asked that I never contact you again.

Now nearly a year has gone by and I've heard several reports that you are very sick. Your diabetes is out of control and you have never been the best patient. From what I understand, you may not have much longer to live.

I could argue that if you die because you choose not to take care of yourself, then you are essentially abandoning your daughter in the most literal and final of ways. But I'm not going to do that. The last thing I said to you is that you will always be my brother and I will always love you.

And that is the message I want to send out now. It's not too late to salvage our relationship. Although I was very hurt by your accusations, I was even more hurt that you didn't want me to be part of your life anymore.

I look at this picture, circa 1978, from time to time:

And I think about how happy and innocent we look. It breaks my heart to think that I will likely never see you again and that you will die hating me. I don't understand why families have to be so hateful to each other and know exactly how to inflict the most pain. I don't understand why we can't have this pure, simple bond like what I see in that picture.


So I'm putting this out there, my dear brother, in written word, because that's what I do. I'm not doing it to clear my conscience because I have not done anything wrong. I'm extending the proverbial olive branch, telling you that I still love you and forgiving you for saying those hurtful things to me. It's not too late for us to come to an understanding. We don't have to be friends, but it would be nice if we could at least show our children what acceptance, forgiveness and love are. And those are three things every family should embrace.

Love always,
Your Sister

my next project

First I want to say thank you to everyone who voted for me on the 50 Self-Published Books Worth Reading contest! Green Castles was named #31 and I am truly humbled by that! Here's the list in case you missed it: http://www.indieauthorland.com/the-50-self-published-books-worth-reading-2013-14/

Secondly, I want to say that I've been looking into formatting Green Castles into print. I plan to do that in another week or so and I will post on Facebook a link. Amazon has a site called CreateSpace that will print a paperback on demand so for those of you who said you'd read my book if only it was in print, it will soon be time to put your money where your mouth is! ;)

Now, here's what I really wanted to announce. I've been thinking for a long time about what my next project will be. The sequel to Green Castles (tentatively titled Silver Spires) has been tabled for now. I've known for a long time I wanted to write about a deeply personal issue I've struggled with for my entire life and that is my weight.

I've been fighting this battle since I was around eight years old. I was teased and harassed by other children as I grew up. I was bribed to lose weight. I was taken to the doctor and asked what could be done. I always felt like I embarrassed my parents because I was too big. When I was 14 everything changed. I decided to find out what would happen if I severely restricted my food intake while simultaneously exercising approximately four hours a day. I'm sure when I returned to school that fall many people thought I'd finally shed my "baby weight," but the truth was that I was starving myself.

 I had become obsessed, weighing myself and taking my measurements three times a day. Writing down every morsel that entered my mouth. Making mix-tapes to aerobicize to in my room all hours of the day and night (which may or may not have included Milli Vanilla and New Kids on The Block. ;))

As I grew older, I found myself caught in a vicious cycle between binging and dieting. Because of this as well as multiple pregnancies, I have been every weight at my adult height of (almost) 5'7" between 135 and 270. I am *still* on this pendulum even to this day, although I am staying on the heavy side of it these days. And you know what? I'm not alone in this. I'm not alone in my disordered relationship with food, nor my distorted body image. I am among millions of people who struggle every single day with these demons.

My book will be fiction, but the main character, Claire Sterling, struggles with these demons too. She finds herself recovering from a divorce and feeling completely lost when she contemplates the dating world. I am not afraid to admit that even *I* do not know what Claire will discover about herself. This story, which will be called Fat Girl, is still gestating in my mind. I hope you will stay tuned and we can figure out what happens to Claire together. :)

My Christmas Letter

Dear Friends and Family,

When we first moved out East, I used to write a family update letter every year to stuff in our Christmas cards along with a picture of our growing boys. I haven't done that in several years because a) I don't send Christmas cards anymore and b) I didn't really want to share what was going on.

Most of you know that two years ago, Wade and I decided to separate. It was a decision we wrestled with but we ultimately felt it was the best one. We stayed together in the same house during this time to make the transition easier on our boys, who of course, remain our top priority. This year during Labor Day weekend, Wade moved into a smaller house in Salisbury and I moved to Delaware with my boyfriend Mike who recently bought a house in the area.

The good news is that it's been three months now and everyone seems to be handling the change well. The boys stay in Salisbury during the week and are able to remain in the same schools. I visit them twice a week and they come to Delaware every other weekend to stay with me. They'll be coming for some extra time over the holidays and we are excited to be hosting my parents for a visit during their stay.

Tristan, our oldest, is a sophomore in high school now. He is a self-professed nerd and begged us to let him take Honors Chemistry over the summer. What kid begs their parents to take a summer class just because they want to learn so badly? Mine does! :) He is a straight A student and is taking 2 AP classes this year (Physics and Government) along with pre-calculus. He is also part of the Chess Club, Math Team, and a mock trial club where they all take roles in pretend court cases.

Jordan, our middle son, is an eighth grader and is part of the STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) program at his school. He also takes advanced classes and is a mostly straight A student. He has become our resident computer geek, loves video games and is learning how to program. He can often be found poring over the laptop creating his own games. He has always been our creative one, so I think it's a great way for him to use that creativity and learn valuable skills he can possibly make a career out of someday!

Kadan, our youngest, is in third grade and even though he got a later start than his brothers in reading and writing (due to his extreme stubbornness!) he has more than caught up and is also a straight A student. He is part of an enrichment program and has a passion for maps and geography. He is also fascinated by science. He is still our resident actor, with so many expressions and moods that we can totally picture him accepting an Oscar someday down the line. When he gets a little older, we'll certainly want to get him involved in the theater.

Wade has taken a job as a probation/parole officer so he's no longer a correctional officer at the prison. It's been a positive change for him and has allowed him to work a normal M-F daytime shift after years of working nights and weekends. I left my job at SU recently and am taking this year to figure out what my next steps are. I would like to stay in this area and am looking for jobs locally but there's nothing quite in the same field. I am also focusing on my writing career and contemplating going back to school for something totally different. I guess I'm sort of having a mid-life crisis which I swear I am too young for but at almost 40 I suppose I'm not.

When I lived in Indiana, I taught a class through the Mental Health Association for children whose parents were divorcing. My teaching partner and I showed the kids a video about divorce made in the 80's that starred Alan Thicke from "Growing Pains." I taught the class for seven years and we showed that video once a month so you can imagine how many times I saw it! Something that Mr. Thicke said in the video has really resonated with me in the past year. Please forgive my paraphrasing but it was something like this: "Sure, things will be different; they'll have changed. But soon they'll feel normal. It will be a new kind of normal."

We have a new kind of normal here on Delmarva, which for those of you who don't know, is what they call the peninsula where we live since it's Delaware, part of Maryland and part of Virginia. We're learning to be happy with our new kind of normal. And even though we aren't positive what the future holds, we know that God will take care of us no matter what.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday season and many blessings in 2014.

an update, please read

I was back home again in Indiana last weekend. What a perfect time to visit, too, with all the leaves changing and the weather was absolutely gorgeous. I went primarily to do an interview with Eric Bernsee at the Banner Graphic about the book. I also visited with former coworkers at DePauw, got to see a long lost friend from high school at South Putnam, hung out with my bestie Chris (the inspiration for Jennifer) and attended church at Greencastle Christian where I used to be every Sunday morning when I lived in Greencastle.

Of course, I talked up the book as much as I could. Many people said they read it and loved it or they had downloaded it and wanted to start reading it or that they had it on their list to buy. That was wonderful to hear! I knew that in order for this book to be a success, I'd have to have the support of my family, friends and the people of my beloved hometown.

That said, sales have been sluggish in the last two weeks. Some of the people I thought would be my biggest advocates haven't even read the book, let alone written a review. I have only received 11 reviews to date as a matter of fact. I know it's only three weeks in since publication but I have to confess that I'm a little disappointed by the sales and reviews. I just keep thinking that there are 10,000 people in my hometown and even more in Putnam County, many of whom I'd think would be interested in reading a novel set where they live, but I've not even sold 1% of that yet.

Yet.

I hope that people are just slow to get around to reading it. I'd like to think that despite it being "chick lit" there's something in it for everyone. And I'd like to think that at $4.99 it's worth helping a fellow Hoosier out toward making her dreams of becoming a successful writer a reality. I know not everyone has an e-reader, but there are other options such as the Kindle App, the Kindle Cloud Reader and downloading a pdf from Smashwords that can be printed out. I need help with sales, reviews, and just plain getting the word out. I know I can't do it by myself. I'm hoping my article in the Banner will give sales a big boost!

Thank you to everyone who has helped so far! I can't tell you how much your support has meant to me!

an excerpt on release day!

HAPPY RELEASE DAY!!!

First, I just want to say that I appreciate the outpouring of support from my friends and family in helping me promote the book! I just want to remind you that it's a first draft and I'm hoping to use your reviews and feedback to help me revise it and find a publisher! Secondly, I want to say that even though I could have used another week to get it more polished, I picked the date 9/18/13 to release the book for a reason. It's the two year anniversary of my friend Chris' daughter Brooklyn's death, which is what inspired me to write this book. When I picked the date I thought I'd be moving to Delaware AFTER the release, not before! I don't recommend trying to finish a book and move in the same two week period, just for the record!

All that said, here's an excerpt from near the end of the book!

     Kat parked on the square and the three ladies began to hurry into the restaurant just as the sky was starting to open up and hurl huge drops of rain down upon them. Jennifer paused while her companions slipped inside the shelter. November rain, Jennifer thought, hearing the Guns N Roses song pop into her head accompanied by images from the video which had been played to death on MTV in the summer of 1992. Visions of the guests running and the cake being toppled over in the sudden downpour, Axl Rose beating a glossy black grand piano into submission and Slash shredding the guitar in a dusty, barren churchyard flooded into her mind. That video starts with a wedding in a church and ends with a funeral in a church, she reflected. I had that CD back in the day. That song came out right after we graduated. She thought about her Sony discman and her vast collection of CDs and how thrilled she was to finally have a car with a CD player instead of a tape deck. And now CDs are almost totally antiquated, much like VHS tapes. A life measured by outdated media devices, she thought. It’s a sad reality in this day and age.

      Many times in her life she had thought she was living in the past or future, finding it a challenge to stay connected to the present. She was always anticipating something or remembering something. But in this moment, on a sidewalk quickly becoming wet with rain, watching her companions slip into the potpourri-infused tea room, the scent wafting out toward her as the door clicked shut, she felt the present wrap its arms around her like a newly minted friend. She felt the embrace start to slide up her body from her feet on the sidewalk to her arms lifted in the air. She felt herself absorbing the essence of her hometown: the square with its looming courthouse and World War II era German “buzz bomb” perched atop a sturdy limestone V, the square with its eccentric little shops and eateries, the square bedecked with Christmas lights radiating out from the courthouse in all directions. She felt completely immersed in the moment as she spun around in the falling rain. She threw back her head and let the raindrops crash against her face, dripping down into her hair and flying off in the wind which was beginning to pick up and swirl around her. Everything felt alive and real to her in a way it hadn’t in a long time. 

 

      I’ve got to figure out a way to live, she thought more lucidly than she had thought anything in a very long time. A way to go on.

cover reveal and my parental advisory

I can't believe we are less than a week away from publication! I've been talking a lot with my friend Chris, who is the real life inspiration for Jennifer. She's been reading along as I write and after she reads, we review it over the phone. Last night we also started to talk about promotion and marketing ideas and I started getting really excited! I may even come home to Greencastle later this fall to do some promotion in person!

Before I go any further and show you the cover, I want to make sure readers are aware that this book is not all rainbows and unicorns. There are some very intense scenes where the main characters face painful circumstances. There are a few expletives and there is a fair amount of discussion about things of a sexual nature. It's not a sanitized book. It is a book that faces mature and adult situations in a realistic way and I believe overall has a positive message. I would say it is most appropriate for readers 16 and over, which is an interesting change because when I initially had the idea for the book, I saw it as a young adult novel. And, really, in some ways I think it could be very instructive and thought-provoking for younger readers, and I suppose that mature 13-15 year olds would probably be fine reading the book. After all, some of these events happen to the characters when they are flashing back to their adolescence and, obviously, many pressures and situations that teens face today are not much different than they were back in the day! But I still feel an explanation is warranted so readers know what they are getting into.

So, now that we got that out of the way, I want to tell you how much I struggled with a cover for this book. There are so many themes going on within the pages of Green Castles, but they are mostly huge abstract concepts that would be difficult to illustrate. I decided to go for simple. I believe the cover suggests that despite being adults and facing very real grown-up problems, the minds and hearts of the three main characters still cling in some ways to the idealism of their youth, represented by a fantastical depiction of their hometown. Throughout the book, the women reconcile their youthful ideals with what is a harsh, yet sometimes forgiving reality.  So, without further ado, here is the cover, and I hope you are all ready for the book's release on Wednesday, September 18th!

the town that wrote a book

Have you ever heard the adage "It takes a village to raise a child?"

Well, I'd like to offer this alternative version: "It takes a town to write a book."

Let me share my vision for Green Castles:

On September 18, 2013, I plan to digitally self-publish Green Castles (a novel of approximately 90K words) on Amazon (and possibly Barnes and Noble and Smashwords). The price for the novel will be $4.99 and readers will be able to download it to any electronic device: smart phone, tablet or e-reader. It can also be read on a computer via the Kindle Cloud. Unfortunately it will not be available in print, at least not yet.

The edition I publish on September 18th will be a draft. My vision is for people to read it in the first month or so of publication and offer substantive feedback in the form of reviews or by emailing me via the book's facebook page (www.facebook.com/GreenCastles.) I will use your feedback to revise the manuscript so I can send it off to agents and publishers in hopes of having it published in print. Generating sales and positive reviews during the initial weeks of self-publication will be selling points for sure!

So, what will YOU get out of buying my book and leaving me a review or sending me feedback? Well, you get a sneak peek at what I think is a pretty good book for only $4.99, which is pretty cheap. It's likely to be much more than that when and if it's published in print! And, more importantly, you get a chance to shape the final version of the book. In addition, if you purchase the book during the first week of publication, which coincides with both the two year anniversary of Brooklyn's passing (the inspiration for the entire book - please refer to my previous blog posts on this topic for more information) and Mitochondrial Disease Awareness Week, I will donate 10% of the proceeds to the United Mitochondrial Disease Foundation (www.umdf.org.) In sum, you get a first look at the book and the opportunity to be part of the process of revising it, you will be helping out a fellow Hoosier and new author, AND you'll be helping to fund research about mitochondrial disorders. It's really a win-win-win for everyone, I think! :)

I'm also asking for some volunteers to be what I'm calling Green Castles Advocates. These special helpers will get an advance (free) copy of the book a few days before its release, and in return they will agree to read the manuscript and be ready to post reviews very soon after publication (you must have an Amazon account and be over the age of 18, please!) Provided they enjoy what they read, they'll also commit to helping me promote the book using social media and word of mouth. If you are interested in being an advocate, please email me on Facebook! I'm looking for about 10-20 people to help out in this capacity!

I know I face a huge challenge as a new author with no following, reputation or street cred. All I really have is a vast network of friends and family, and it is those connections I hope to leverage. I'd love to see my beloved hometown pull together to help me! After all, this is your book too! Please consider the proposal I've outlined here and think about whether or not you can help my cause. Thank you so much for reading and stay tuned for more teasers and excerpts from Green Castles!